PART 6 – I Had Spent Months Making Excuses for His Absence, but I Could No Longer Make One for What I Had Seen

I thought I would feel stronger once the shock passed.

Instead, I felt tired.

Not the ordinary tiredness that came from caring for two newborns.

Something deeper.

I looked at Ryan and remembered the last time he had left home.

He had been standing near our door with his luggage.

I had been seven months pregnant.

He had touched my stomach and spoken to our unborn daughters.

He had promised to come back.

I remembered how carefully I had prepared for their arrival.

I remembered the nights when I could barely sleep.

I remembered holding both babies for the first time.

And I remembered how excited Ryan had sounded when he saw them on the phone.

All those memories were still real.

That was what made this so difficult.

I couldn't simply pretend those moments had never happened.

But I also couldn't pretend that the man standing in front of me was behaving like the husband I had believed I had.

He looked at the babies again.

For a moment, his expression softened.

"Can I hold them?"

I looked at him.

That question hurt more than I expected.

He had spent months saying he wanted to hold his daughters.

Now they were right in front of him.

And he had asked only after I had discovered him with another woman.

I didn't answer immediately.

I looked down at the girls.

Their little faces were peaceful.

They had no idea what was happening.

They had traveled all this way because I wanted their first meeting with their father to be special.

I had imagined him holding them with both arms.

I had imagined him studying their faces.

I had imagined him asking which one looked more like him.

Instead, we were standing in a terminal discussing his affair.

I finally spoke.

"You've got quite a lot to explain before we get to that."

Ryan rubbed his face.

"Claire, I know you're upset."

I stared at him.

That sentence sounded so small.

He knew I was upset.

Of course I was.

But he still didn't seem to understand what he had done.

He continued.

"I didn't plan for any of this to happen."

I wondered what he meant.

Had he not planned to meet the woman?

Had he not planned to kiss her?

Had he not planned to bring her with him?

I couldn't tell which part he was trying to excuse.

I asked him one question.

"How long?"

He looked at me.

"What?"

"How long has this been going on?"

He didn't answer immediately.

The woman beside him looked away.

That small reaction told me more than I wanted to know.

I waited.

I wasn't shouting.

I wasn't crying.

I simply wanted him to answer.

Ryan took a breath.

"Claire, it's complicated."

I shook my head.

"No. It's actually very simple."

He looked uncomfortable again.

I didn't ask him to tell me every detail.

I didn't want to hear a list of excuses.

I wanted him to understand that his choices had consequences beyond the two adults standing in front of him.

There were two little girls in my arms.

Two daughters whose father had been talking about meeting them for months.

I had made this journey because I wanted them to know him.

Now I was beginning to wonder what kind of person I had been so eager to bring into their lives.

That thought frightened me.

Not because I doubted that Ryan was their father.

He was.

But because I had trusted him to treat our family with the same care I had given it.

And he hadn't.

Click here to continue reading: PART 7: The Two Little Faces in My Arms Reminded Me Why I Could Not Let His Excuses Decide What Happened Next