I didn't answer Ryan immediately.
I needed to concentrate on the girls.
I needed to make sure they were comfortable before thinking about anything else.
The terminal was still busy.
People were still greeting one another.
I watched a family nearby embrace.
A woman held a bouquet while a man lifted a little child into his arms.
I looked away.
I didn't want to compare my situation with theirs.
It wouldn't change anything.
My phone vibrated again.
Ryan.
I looked at the screen.
He wanted to know where I was.
Then he asked whether the girls were okay.
I stared at the question for a moment.
They were fine.
They had been fine before he walked out of that terminal.
They were fine when I bought the tickets.
They were fine when I imagined their father meeting them.
They were still fine now.
I replied with a short message.
"They're okay."
I didn't add anything else.
A few moments later, he responded.
"Can we please speak properly?"
I didn't answer.
I was beginning to understand that I didn't owe him an immediate conversation simply because he was uncomfortable.
I had been available whenever he called during his time away.
I had made space for his work schedule.
I had answered his questions about the babies.
I had listened when he wanted to talk.
But now I needed him to understand that my time and feelings mattered, too.
I found a quieter corner and settled the girls.
One of them started crying.
I checked her carefully.
It was nothing unusual.
She needed attention.
I held her close until she settled.
That small moment reminded me of something important.
Motherhood didn't pause because my marriage was falling apart.
The babies still needed me.
Their needs were immediate.
Their little lives were happening whether Ryan and I were speaking or not.
I focused on them.
After a while, I checked my phone again.
There were more messages.
Ryan said he hadn't expected me to arrive.
He said the timing had been unfortunate.
He said he knew things looked bad.
I read those words slowly.
Things looked bad.
I almost laughed.
I had watched him kiss another woman.
He had admitted to being involved with other women.
He had explained that he didn't believe he could remain faithful during long periods away.
There was no question of how things looked.
I knew what I had seen.
And I knew what he had told me.
I put the phone away.
I didn't want to argue through messages.
I didn't want to spend the day reading sentences designed to make his actions sound smaller.
I wanted to get the girls somewhere comfortable.
I wanted to rest.
And I wanted to think without his voice filling every quiet moment.
I remembered something from the morning.
Before leaving, I had checked the babies' things twice.
I had made sure I had enough supplies.
I had packed everything carefully because I wanted the journey to go smoothly.
I remembered smiling while doing it.
I remembered thinking about Ryan's reaction.
That version of me seemed very far away now.
I wasn't ashamed of having wanted to surprise him.
I wasn't ashamed of loving my husband.
I wasn't ashamed of believing his promises.
But I was beginning to understand that I couldn't keep using those old memories to excuse what he had done.
Eventually, I sent him another message.
"I need time. Please respect that."
His reply came quickly.
"Okay. I understand."
I wasn't sure whether he did.
But at least he had stopped asking me to explain myself.
I put my phone away again.
Then I looked at the girls.
I kissed the forehead of the one closest to me.
I wanted to remember their faces from that day.
Not the terminal.
Not the woman.
Not Ryan's excuses.
Their faces.
They were the reason I had made the journey.
And they were the reason I needed to be careful about every decision that followed.
Click here to continue reading: PART 12: I Had Imagined Taking Four People Home Together, but I Could No Longer Pretend That Love Alone Could Repair What I Had Seen
I Thought the Hardest Part of Having Twins Would Be Raising Them Alone While My Husband Was Somewhere Across the Ocean
Part 11 of 20
