PART 22 – Claire Asked Me One Question About the Woman I Had Been Hiding, and I Finally Understood What She Needed to Know

The next part of our conversation was harder.

Claire had listened to everything I told her.

But I could see there were still questions.

She looked at me for a long time.

"Did you ever compare me to them?"

I wasn't expecting that question.

I frowned slightly.

"What do you mean?"

"Did you ever look at me and think those women were better than your wife?"

I felt my throat tighten.

I had never considered how she might be imagining those relationships.

I had treated the affairs as separate experiences.

But for Claire, they were connected to every moment we had shared.

Every dinner.

Every family photograph.

Every time I had told her I loved her.

"No," I said.

She watched me.

"I never thought they were replacing you."

Claire looked down.

"That doesn't make it better."

"I know."

I explained that the affairs hadn't been about finding another family.

They hadn't been about deciding that Claire wasn't good enough.

They had been about my selfishness.

I had wanted attention and excitement without considering the consequences.

I had convinced myself that I could keep those choices separate from my responsibilities at home.

But I knew how empty that explanation sounded.

Claire listened.

Then she asked another question.

"Did you ever come home after being with someone else and act like everything was normal?"

I couldn't look at her.

"Yes."

She nodded slowly.

"Did you kiss me?"

I swallowed.

"Yes."

She looked away.

That answer seemed to hurt her deeply.

I wanted to reach for her hand.

But I stayed where I was.

She had not asked me to comfort her.

She had asked me to tell the truth.

For a while, she didn't speak.

Then she asked whether I had ever felt guilty enough to stop.

I told her I had felt guilty many times.

But guilt hadn't changed my behavior.

I had allowed myself to feel bad and then continued doing what I wanted.

That was another truth I had avoided.

Claire leaned back in her chair.

"I don't know how I'm supposed to look at you now."

I nodded.

"I understand."

"Do you?"

I looked at her.

"I know I can't expect you to see me the same way."

She looked down at her hands.

"I don't even know which memories I can trust anymore."

That sentence stayed with me.

I had taken ordinary memories and made them uncertain.

She might remember a business trip and wonder whether I had really been working.

She might remember a late dinner and wonder where I had been.

She might remember a kiss and question whether I had been honest when I gave it to her.

I had changed the meaning of things that had happened years earlier.

And I couldn't change them back.

"I can't give you those years back," I said.

"No."

"I wish I could."

She looked at me.

"I wish you had thought about that before."

I lowered my eyes.

She was right again.

After a while, Claire stood and walked to the window.

Outside, the street was quiet.

She remained there for several moments.

I watched her reflection in the glass.

Then she spoke.

"I need time."

I nodded.

"You can have it."

She turned toward me.

"And I need you to stop expecting me to make you feel better about what you've done."

I felt the truth of that immediately.

I had been seeking reassurance since the night I saw her at the café.

I had wanted to know whether she was leaving.

Whether she still loved me.

Whether the other man mattered.

I had been frightened of losing my family.

But Claire had been living with the consequences of my choices for years.

She deserved the space to decide what she wanted.

"I won't ask you to comfort me."

She nodded.

Then she walked toward the stairs.

I remained at the table.

For once, I didn't follow her.

Click here to continue reading: PART 23: The Man From the Coffee Shop Finally Made Sense When I Understood Why Claire Had Needed Someone Outside Our Marriage