PART 11 – When the Hearing Turned to My Son’s Needs, I Finally Stopped Apologizing for Being Poor

The judge asked another question about our living arrangements.

I answered honestly.

I explained that our circumstances had been difficult.

I didn't hide the fact that I had struggled.

There were things I wished I could have provided.

There were things I had wanted to replace but couldn't afford.

Sometimes I had looked at Nolan's belongings and wondered whether he noticed how much I was trying to stretch what we had.

He rarely complained.

That made me feel worse.

I wanted him to have an ordinary childhood.

I wanted him to worry about birthday presents and school activities.

Not money.

Not custody.

Not whether his clothes were good enough for a courtroom.

The judge asked whether Nolan had everything necessary for his daily life.

I answered yes.

I explained that I had continued caring for him despite the difficulties.

Carroway asked a question about my working hours.

I answered.

There had been times when my schedule was irregular.

I had needed to work when opportunities became available.

That was the truth.

But irregular hours did not mean I had stopped being responsible for my child.

I looked at the judge.

"I know our situation hasn't been easy, Your Honor."

I paused.

"But I have never stopped trying to give Nolan a safe and loving home."

My voice shook at the end.

I didn't apologize for it.

I had apologized too many times in my life for circumstances I hadn't chosen.

The judge nodded slightly.

Then he looked toward Nolan.

My son was sitting quietly.

His shirt was still slightly folded where he had lifted it earlier.

I wanted to straighten it.

But I waited until he looked at me.

Then I gently smoothed the fabric near his shoulder.

The little moon was visible again.

Nolan glanced at it.

"Do you like this shirt?" I whispered.

He nodded.

"It's my favorite."

I smiled.

"Mine too."

He rested his hand over the embroidery.

For a moment, the courtroom disappeared from my mind.

I remembered his birthday.

I remembered the decision to pawn my grandmother's locket.

I remembered how happy he had been when he saw the shirt.

I had thought that memory would always be connected to the sacrifice.

Now it was connected to something else.

My son had stood up for himself.

And he had reminded me that being poor did not make me less of a mother.

The judge continued reviewing the custody issues.

I listened carefully.

I knew the hearing wasn't finished.

I knew there were still questions to be answered.

But I no longer felt the same need to defend every detail of my existence.

I had told the truth.

Nolan had told the truth as he understood it.

That was all we could do.

Click here to continue reading: PART 12: As We Waited for the Next Decision, I Realized My Son Had Given Me Something I Thought I Had Lost