PART 19 – Before the Final Decision, I Had to Face the Fear That Had Followed Me Since Grant First Began Taking Everything Away

The uncertainty was the hardest part.

I could manage a difficult day.

I could manage a late bill.

I could manage another unsuccessful attempt to find work.

But waiting for a decision about Nolan was different.

It followed me everywhere.

Sometimes I woke during the night and remembered the courtroom.

I remembered the photograph.

I remembered my son's voice.

And I wondered what would happen next.

I didn't want Nolan to notice how frightened I was.

But children notice more than adults think.

One evening, he found me sitting quietly at the table.

"Mom?"

I looked up.

"Yes?"

"Are you thinking about court?"

I didn't want to lie.

"A little."

He pulled out the chair beside me.

Then he sat down.

I reached for his hand.

He looked at the little moon on his shirt.

"I don't want people to think you're bad."

I felt my throat tighten.

"Oh, Nolan."

I moved closer.

"You don't have to worry about what other people think of me."

He looked confused.

"But I want them to know you're good."

I hugged him.

That was when I understood how much the hearing had affected him.

He had been trying to protect me.

The child I was supposed to protect.

I held him for a long time.

Then I told him something I should have said earlier.

"Being a good mother doesn't mean I never make mistakes. It means I keep loving you and taking care of you."

He nodded against my shoulder.

"And you don't have to fix anything between your dad and me."

He didn't answer.

He simply stayed close.

I kissed the top of his head.

I wished I could remove every difficult memory from his childhood.

I couldn't.

But I could make sure he didn't face those memories alone.

The next morning, I returned to our routine.

There were still things to do.

There were still questions waiting for answers.

But I no longer wanted fear to make every decision for me.

I wanted Nolan to grow up remembering that his mother had kept going.

Even when she was frightened.

Even when she had very little.

Even when the future wasn't clear.

Click here to continue reading: PART 20: The Little Moon on My Son’s Shirt Reminded Me That No Courtroom, Expensive Suit, or Cruel Photograph Could Measure a Mother’s Love