PART 17 – I Had Never Felt So Helpless as a Father, Standing Outside a Room Where Everyone Was Trying to Help the Son I Couldn’t Reach

I remained in the hallway.

I had promised Tommy I wouldn't leave him.

But keeping that promise didn't mean I could walk into the examination room whenever I wanted.

That was something I had to accept.

The hospital staff were doing their work.

I needed to let them.

Still, every time the door opened, my attention went straight toward it.

I hoped someone would come out with an update.

I hoped someone would tell me Tommy was feeling better.

I hoped I could see him soon.

There were so many things I wanted to say.

I wanted to tell him that he hadn't caused any trouble.

I wanted to tell him that I wasn't angry.

I wanted to tell him that calling for help was never something he needed to apologize for.

Most of all, I wanted him to know that I believed his pain.

I thought about the way he had stood in my doorway.

His backpack was still on his shoulder.

His shoes were still on his feet.

He hadn't asked for dinner.

He hadn't asked about television.

He hadn't asked whether we could play a game.

He had asked whether he could sleep standing up.

I closed my eyes briefly.

That question would stay with me for a long time.

A nurse passed carrying a folder.

I stepped aside.

She gave me a brief acknowledgment and continued down the corridor.

I looked at the clock.

Another few minutes had passed.

Lauren remained nearby.

I could sense that she was still upset with me.

But I had stopped trying to understand her reaction.

There would be time for conversations later.

There would be time to deal with the custody arrangement.

There would be time to discuss what she had told me about the bathroom.

Right then, there was only Tommy.

I had to keep reminding myself of that.

Because the moment I started thinking about Lauren, I felt the old anger returning.

And anger wasn't going to help my son.

I wanted to be calm when Tommy saw me again.

I wanted him to see the same father who had held his hands at home.

The same father who had promised to stay beside him in the ambulance.

I didn't want him to see an adult who was frightened and angry at everyone.

He had already seen enough fear.

I took a slow breath.

Then I waited.

Click here to continue reading: PART 18: The Questions About That Sunday Would Not Leave My Mind, Especially the Ones I Had Been Too Afraid to Ask Before