PART 10 – The More I Remembered About Tommy’s Behavior, the Harder It Became to Accept That Everything Had Been Nothing More Than a Difficult Divorce

I sat down briefly.

Then I stood again.

The waiting area had chairs, but I couldn't remain in one for long.

Every time I sat, I remembered Tommy trying to do the same thing at home.

I couldn't look at an ordinary chair without thinking about him.

I remembered the way he had asked me whether he could sleep standing up.

At the time, I had struggled to understand the question.

Now it seemed impossible to forget.

I thought about his earlier visits.

There had been little signs.

Nothing that gave me a complete explanation.

But enough to make me concerned.

His singing had stopped.

His nails had become a habit.

His requests to stay with me had become more frequent.

And whenever I asked what was wrong, he became quiet.

I had treated each change separately.

I told myself that children went through difficult periods.

I told myself that divorce affected them.

Both things were true.

But I had allowed those ordinary explanations to make me overlook the possibility that something more serious was happening.

That was my mistake.

I remembered one of our conversations with Lauren.

I had tried to explain that Tommy seemed frightened about returning to her house.

She accused me of encouraging him to dislike her.

I had denied it.

I told her I wanted him to have a good relationship with both parents.

She said I was making problems where none existed.

The conversation ended without solving anything.

I went home feeling that I had somehow made things worse.

Now I wondered how many times I had allowed that feeling to silence me.

A nurse passed again.

I looked up immediately.

She was carrying supplies.

She didn't stop.

I watched her disappear down the hallway.

Then I looked toward Lauren.

She was still wearing the jacket.

I wondered whether she remembered where it came from.

It didn't matter.

I no longer wanted to connect our old marriage to the decisions we needed to make as parents.

Whatever had happened between us, Tommy deserved to be safe.

I had learned that being quiet didn't always protect a child.

Sometimes it only protected the comfort of the adults.

I didn't want to make that mistake again.

Click here to continue reading: PART 11: I Wanted to Be the Person Tommy Could Trust, Even If That Meant Admitting How Long I Had Failed to Understand His Silence