PART 14 – Sarah Finally Looked at Me Across the Courtroom, and I Realized We Had Both Been Trying to Control a Situation We Didn’t Understand

When the judge turned back toward the attorneys, Sarah looked at me.

It wasn't a long look.

But I noticed it.

For months, I had imagined what she might say about me.

I had imagined accusations.

I had imagined her telling the court that I was interfering with her family.

I had imagined being described as an old woman who couldn't accept that her son was gone.

Perhaps I had worried too much.

Perhaps I had also made mistakes.

I wasn't perfect.

I had been grieving Michael.

There were days when I wanted everything to return to the way it had been before his death.

Sometimes, when Liam visited, I caught myself looking at him and seeing his father.

That wasn't fair to Liam.

He wasn't supposed to become a replacement for the person I had lost.

He was his own boy.

I had to remember that.

Sarah looked away.

Her attorney began discussing the documents again.

I listened as best I could.

The judge asked questions about the arrangements being requested.

My attorney answered.

I noticed that nobody was raising their voice.

That made the situation feel even more serious.

There was no shouting to distract from what was happening.

Only words.

And the consequences behind them.

Sarah opened her manila folder.

She adjusted one of the photographs.

I recognized the gesture.

She wanted everything in order.

I wondered whether she had chosen those photographs because they showed Michael.

Perhaps she wanted the judge to remember that Liam had a family.

I understood that.

I missed Michael too.

There were days when I still reached for my phone to call him.

Then I remembered.

He wasn't going to answer.

I looked toward Liam.

He had lowered his phone onto his lap.

His fingers rested over it.

The same phone I had bought after the school gym incident.

I remembered how upset I had been when I learned he had been waiting outside.

I hadn't wanted him to feel forgotten.

I had bought the phone so he could reach someone when he needed help.

Now I was grateful that he had brought it.

But I hated the reason.

Sarah finally spoke again.

She said she wanted what was best for Liam.

I looked at her.

I wanted to believe that.

Perhaps she did believe it.

Perhaps we had reached this point because neither of us understood how to communicate with the other anymore.

I couldn't know.

I wasn't going to pretend I could read her mind.

But I knew what Liam had asked for.

And I knew he had been willing to stand in front of a judge to say it.

That had to mean something.

Judge Harrison asked another question about the child's routine.

The attorneys responded.

I listened to the discussion about school and daily care.

I thought about the crumpled permission slip.

I thought about the teachers' notes.

I thought about the calendar I had kept.

Those small details had seemed insignificant when I first collected them.

Now they represented the ordinary things that mattered in a child's life.

A missed appointment wasn't just a date.

A forgotten paper wasn't just a piece of schoolwork.

Together, they showed why I had become concerned.

The judge continued reviewing the information.

I sat quietly.

For once, I wasn't trying to prepare an answer in my head.

I was listening.

And I realized that I had spent too much time thinking about what Sarah and I believed about each other.

The person who needed the most attention had been Liam.

I wished I had understood that earlier.

Click here to continue reading: PART 15: My Attorney Put Away One of the Folders, but I Was Still Watching the Boy Who Had Carried His Truth Into Court