PART 9 – I Tried to Put the Lawyer’s Folder Out of My Mind, but Every Time I Looked at Lily, I Remembered the Five Families

I had always believed that the most difficult part of becoming Lily's mother would be adjusting to my age.

I had worried about my energy.

I had worried about whether I could keep up with a three-year-old.

I had even wondered whether I was being selfish by wanting to become a mother again after everything I had lost.

But none of those worries prepared me for the questions that followed the lawyer's telephone call.

I couldn't simply forget what I had seen.

The folder had changed something.

Not my love for Lily.

My understanding of what I knew about her past.

I had entered the adoption process believing I understood her circumstances.

Now I knew there were additional records.

And I didn't know what information they contained beyond what I had already seen.

Every morning, I tried to concentrate on our routine.

I prepared what we needed.

I kept the house in order as much as I could.

I made time for Lily.

But whenever I had a quiet moment, my thoughts returned to the lawyer's office.

I remembered the way he had hesitated before opening the folder.

I remembered his apology.

And I remembered how my hands had begun to shake.

I had never expected to feel that way again.

After losing my husband and daughter, I thought I knew what fear looked like.

Now I was frightened for a different reason.

I was afraid that something important about Lily's history had been kept from me.

I was afraid that I had made a decision without knowing everything I needed to know.

And I was afraid of what the missing information might mean for the little girl I loved.

One afternoon, I found myself looking at the documents I had written down notes about after leaving the lawyer's office.

I had wanted to remember the details.

I didn't want to confuse one thing with another.

I read my notes slowly.

There were still questions I couldn't answer.

I considered calling the lawyer.

Then I stopped.

He had already told me that he needed time to examine the additional records.

I didn't want to pressure him into giving me an answer before he understood the documents himself.

But waiting was difficult.

I had never been particularly patient when someone I loved was involved.

And Lily was now the person I worried about most.

That evening, I watched her playing.

I thought about the first time I had seen her at the group home.

She had been sitting apart from the other children.

I remembered how small she looked.

I remembered asking the caseworker about her.

Five families.

Five opportunities.

Five times someone had considered bringing her into their home and then changed their mind.

I had thought about those families as people who simply hadn't been ready.

Now I wondered whether there was something else.

I didn't know.

And I refused to blame Lily for decisions made by adults.

She deserved better than that.

I went over and sat near her.

For a moment, I forgot about the folder.

I was simply a mother watching her child.

That was how I wanted things to remain.

But I also knew that I needed the truth.

Click here to continue reading: PART 10: The More I Thought About the Missing Papers, the More I Realized That My Biggest Responsibility Was Getting the Truth for Lily