PART 11 – I Remembered the Day I First Asked to Adopt Lily, and I Began Wondering What Everyone Else Had Known Before I Did

I kept thinking about the caseworker's words.

Five families had considered adopting Lily.

Five families had backed out.

When I first heard that, I had felt sad for her.

I couldn't understand how so many people could meet a little girl and decide not to bring her home.

I had assumed their reasons were personal.

Perhaps their circumstances had changed.

Perhaps they had decided they weren't prepared.

Perhaps something had happened during the adoption process.

I hadn't questioned it much further.

I had been focused on Lily.

Now, after seeing the additional documents, I couldn't stop returning to that conversation.

I wondered whether the caseworker had known more than she had told me.

I wondered whether the information had been available to the people handling the adoption.

I wondered whether the five families had been given documents I had never seen.

But I had to be careful.

Wondering wasn't the same as knowing.

I didn't want to create a story in my head and mistake it for the truth.

I needed the actual records.

I needed the lawyer to explain what they established.

And I needed to understand what had happened before Lily came into my care.

One afternoon, I found myself remembering the group home again.

I remembered the children playing.

I remembered the toys we had brought.

I remembered Lily sitting quietly away from everyone else.

I could still picture her.

At that moment, I hadn't known anything about the additional documents.

I hadn't known what the lawyer would eventually tell me.

I had only seen a child who seemed to need someone.

And I had wanted to help.

Looking back, I realized how much my own grief had shaped that moment.

I had lost my husband and daughter.

I had spent years wondering what purpose remained in my life.

Then I met Lily.

I didn't think she could replace what I had lost.

I didn't want her to.

But she gave me an opportunity to love someone again.

And I wanted to take it.

Some people might have questioned whether a woman of my age should adopt a three-year-old.

I understood those concerns.

But I had never believed that a child should be denied a loving home simply because the person offering it was older.

I knew my limitations.

I also knew my commitment.

I had not brought Lily home because I wanted to escape loneliness.

At least, that wasn't the whole truth.

I had brought her home because I wanted to become her mother.

And I wanted to give her the stability she deserved.

Now I was learning that there might be important parts of her history I didn't understand.

That didn't make my decision meaningless.

It made the need for answers more urgent.

I finally decided that when the lawyer contacted me again, I would ask him to explain every part of the discovery.

I wouldn't settle for a vague answer.

I wouldn't accept being told that the matter was unimportant without understanding why.

I was Lily's mother.

I had a right to understand the information connected to her adoption.

And she deserved adults who took her history seriously.

That evening, I sat quietly for a while.

I thought about the five families.

I thought about the missing pages.

And I thought about how close I had come to never meeting Lily at all.

If I hadn't volunteered at the church that day, I might never have known her.

If I hadn't noticed her sitting alone, I might have walked past.

But I hadn't.

And I was grateful for that.

Click here to continue reading: PART 12: I Could Not Change What Had Happened Before Lily Came Home, but I Was Determined Not to Let Her Face Her Future Alone